Wednesday, Dec. 18, 2002 - 11:18 a.m.
I've never been a good liar. The best way to know I'm lying is if I suddenly start stuttering for no reason whatsoever. Then, I start getting all paranoid and sweaty. Then, I usually just own up to the lie then and there, moments after it's told. It just doesn't work for me.
So, I can't for the life of me weasel out of a social event I don't want to go to. I can't tell my mom that I think the guest room looks really good with the Pepto-Bismol pink paint on the walls. Strangely enough, though, I have been able to keep a pretty big lie afloat from the majority of the world for a while now.
Last year, I was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I have less than a year to live.
No, that was a lie. Actually, I'm just a homosexual.
(Thank you, Olympia Dukakis for that effective segue from Steel Magnolias.)
If you've been reading this for a while and haven't met me in the "real world," I'm sure you pretty much figured it out anyway. I don't think I really come across as the All-American Wholesome Straight Boy. So, I guess in that case it hasn't really been a lie, more like a case of selective omission. I've never written about my sexuality because, quite frankly, it's only been in the last six months or so that I've become comfortable with it myself.
I decided to stop lying to my inner group of friends about four months ago, which was an amazing experience for me. The first person I told was Alyssa, who was (and still is) such a good friend throughout the whole coming out process. The initial conversation was excruciating, but it started a chain reaction of cluing everybody else in about this part of me. In fact, everybody I told has been incredibly supportive, which really makes me wish I had had the strength to come out a long time ago. It sure would've made my life easier.
There are some people in my life that I'm still lying to, though. People who I know read this diary on a regular basis. If I haven't told you about this before, I sincerely apologize. As positive as the coming out process has been for me thus far, I'm just tired of having the "I need to tell you something" conversation. Please don't feel offended if you're finding out about this through my online diary.
I'm also still lying to my parents. There will likely be many more entries about that in the future. If anything, this will likely make certain whether or not they're reading this behind my back, like I've suspected for a while.
So, pretending (badly) to be a heterosexual was definitely the worst lie I've ever told, to both the outside world and myself. I went through a pretty depressive period earlier this year that was sparked by the lie. I knew I was tired of playing a role that didn't fit me, but I was terrified of living my life honestly.
Now that I've started the path of living my life how I really want to live it, I'm much happier. I don't lose sleep as often as I used to. I don't have to constantly worry about censoring myself when I'm with my friends.
So, like I said before, lying really doesn't suit me very well. I already feel a great sense of relief to get this off my chest.
Next time, I'll tell you about my dating life the last few months... there will be some stories to tell! ;-)
