Monday, Feb. 10, 2003 - 2:00 a.m.
I have started writing this entry five times, and have scrapped all of my previous attempts, as they have not done what I experienced this weekend justice. I found so much in the last three days: a deep, all-consuming affection for what I can only describe as the most wonderful man I have ever met, two more people whom I consider amazing friends even though we have only collectively spent a few hours together, a romantic streak deep inside me that I never thought existed, and a lifetime of memories that are burned so vividly in my mind that I simply cannot imagine forgetting them.
The only way I can possibly tell the story of this weekend is to give you a stream-of-consciousness list of the images that have raced through my mind since I left Marietta to come back to Lexington at around 2:30 (now, yesterday) afternoon:
Josh's trademark bear hugs... Lani's infectious laugh... Lauren's adorable grin... walking in the cold of late afternoon... a brilliant sunset over the rooftops... Josh's tongue-tiedness... the table in the back corner of Tampico's... an all-out brawl to gain posession of the dinner check... "...and then they went home..." the joy in Josh's face when he's talking to a child... finally experiencing the wonder that is laying on the poof... having somebody to hold onto while watching a movie... the first kiss... the touch of his hand... being completely close with him for hours... whispering in broken sentences... knowing the tears I have are tears of joy (a first!)... "number one..." falling asleep on a twin mattress on the floor with him... the brilliance of the morning sun as it shines through the tall windows... touring campus... exchanging our recollections of September 11th... realizing that Josh is one of the most treasured people on his college campus... eating Now-and-Laters for the first time since middle school... asking Lani and Lauren "what color is my tongue?"... walking for hours around the town... standing on the mound at the cemetary... feeling completely peaceful as a sudden gust of wind chilled my bones... the eerie silence and incomparable beauty of the church sanctuary... driving across the bridge... an hour passing us by at the cafe when it only seemed like a matter of minutes... the Trans-Allegheny Bookstore... the kiss standing by the stacks on the third floor... I feel like I should have felt at fifteen... seeing him asleep in the passenger seat as he is still gripping my hand tightly... holding hands as we wait for the train to pass across the road... walking across the bridge... city lights on the water... "...you can see practically my whole life from this spot..." romantic dinner... adorable waitress... my voice is cracking, why now?... "...umm, well, officer, he's my hetero life-mate!"... another walk across the bridge... recalling the previous night... escaping to his room for another few moments of aloneness... trying to not look too obvious as we are interrupted by a knocking on the door... not caring that we look obvious... Josh leading me to the dance floor... "...let's give 'em something to talk about..." Lani and Lauren completely letting go and having the time of their lives... "...your brother sure is cute..." slow dancing to Usher... knowing that the two of us are the center of attention... multitudes of people telling us how wonderful we looked on the dance floor afterward... "... he's not my brother..." sitting on the floor listening to the same Margaret Cho jokes I've heard a million times, but enjoying more than ever... another night in his arms... hearing Josh talk about me in his sleep... the best way to wake up... feeling Lani's soft leather jacket as I hug her in my first tearful goodbye of the day... leaving my copy of my favorite book for him... lunch at Burger King... the first silence between us as we're driving back to the dorm... begrudgingly packing my bag... thankful I can't find my wallet, that gives me a few extra minutes!... the longest walk ever... the dreaded goodbye kiss... one more bear hug... practically tearing myself from him to keep this as painless as possible... failed miserably... waterfall of tears... Rufus Wainwright on the stereo...
That tells the story, as best as I can document it. What can I say? No matter what I write down in here, it is going to be pitifully inadequate to quantify the range of emotions I am feeling in words. This weekend was, simply put, the most amazing experience I have ever had. Bar none. I am so thankful I now have Josh (especially Josh), Lani, and Lauren in my life now. I am thankful that I finally took a chance in my life, because the rewards from my relatively small leap into the unknown have been great.
With that, I'll end this as bluntly as I ended the actual visit.
