Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003 - 8:46 p.m.
Why is it that the moment I start feeling like things are going well in my life, something has to crash down and make it all shitty again?
Mom called tonight. Because of government cutbacks, her job has been deemed expendable. Thus, she will be out of work by May, at the latest.
I'm angry. I'm angry at the government for looking at devoted employees as a liability. I'm angry at her boss for misrepresenting her duties to leave her smelling like roses, thus leaving Mom, her unquestioning assistant, in the shit hole. I'm angry that a woman who has devoted every ounce of energy to her job for fifteen years can be let go with the scrawl of a politician's Mont Blanc pen.
I'm also upset. I'm upset that it's entirely possible that in a few months Mom won't be able to afford her medication, which has basically kept her alive since her stroke/heart attack, without her health insurance. I'm upset that she feels guilty for furnishing the living room of her dreams in the past few months, which is the only thing I've ever seen her do completely for herself. I'm upset that her main concern right now is paying her twenty-three year-old son's student loans rather than taking care of herself. I'm upset that I can't tell her everything is okay.
I wish I could tell her that she'll find another job, an even better job, that pays as well as her current one and offers competitive benefits. The reality is that even though she's a whiz at the office, she is a fifty year-old woman without a college degree. She will be lucky to find a job that pays half what she's making now. I wish I could tell her that she will find a place to work at that has been as enjoyable as her current office. I wish I could convince her that even though she has placed so much of her self-worth into her job, that even if she ends up not working again, she's still a beautiful, loving, and capable person.
It's just not fucking fair. Mom has been a shit magnet for the last ten years or so. It seems that just when things are looking up, WHAM!, something falls in her path. She's been through bankruptcy, she's salvaged a marriage that by all appearances looked unsalvageable, she managed to put a son through college when her income was the only one in the family for the first year and a half.
And finally, finally things were looking up for her. Mom and Dad have been getting along famously. They have managed to end the cycle of living paycheck-to-paycheck. She was even talking about taking a vacation, something she's never really done in her life.
And now this. When I was still at home, I was better able to deal with such things. Because I could be there when she would break down crying. I could be there to crack a joke and make her smile when things looked absolutely hopeless. I could carry on being the strong face of the family.
But, as has happened so many times before, the weight of everything is on her shoulders. Dad still has his job, thankfully, and makes enough for them to survive. It's now up to Mom to do her magic with the finances as she has done too many times before to make sure their heads stay above water.
She said something on the phone that made me completely well up inside, and still gives me a shiver up my spine when I think about it: "When will I get to be the happy one?"
I wish I could answer that as well.
